Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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