you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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