so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i think my cat just said my name.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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