I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
