I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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