i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
