My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
