I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
