Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
