Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
