Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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