Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
