I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
