Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
