my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
