She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
