Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
