I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
