I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
