dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
