Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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