Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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