Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
In America we eat man semen.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
