i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
