I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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