I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
