Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
