worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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