so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
