omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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