so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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