____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
