I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize