I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
