I just cut my nipple shaving
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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