so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Holy sore nipples Batman
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
