and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
