i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
