So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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