I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
