Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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