So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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