If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
