i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
