Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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