He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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