I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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