i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
