he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
