You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
two words: eviction party
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
