i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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