i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
