your parents love me but you hate me
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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