This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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