The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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