Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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