haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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