check it out our google latitudes are spooning
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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