Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
nutella sex= disaster
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
