so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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