Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
